photography

I have recently decided to dabble in photography, who isn't right now right? So as a result of this recent hobby interest everyone has become my model. If you are spending any amount of time with me, you have been warned! I spent the day with my younger brother a few weeks ago. We were running errands and had some time to kill. With some begging and hesitation from Cody, I snapped a few pics of him. 

 He's already tired of the modeling session! But for some reason I really like this picture of him. 

I also like this photo of him. He has a sharp profile. Hopefully these are hint of fun hobby ahead!

Summer, thus far.

This summer has been uneventful, comparatively. The last two summers I have been blessed with incredible opportunities - summer staff, Kanankuk, D-Focus. . . And this summer consists of school. Two long days of two long, almost three hour classes. BUMMER. Oh and also work. Lots of work in the down time. However there is still lots of time on my hands. I mean a lot. In that down time I have found myself really discontent with where I am at geographically and spiritually. I see myself and I am not the person I want to become but why? My conclusion is, among other things, when God created me He created me to be "doer". It is so hard for me to be still and patient, I want to be doing something all the time! That isn't a bad thing necessarily but because I haven't been doing I have been feeling a serious lack of joy. Which is the problem - investing my joy in something other than the gospel of grace. Thus I have been looking at my relationship with God more intently. Do I really find my joy in Him? Do I really believe that the gospel is a reflection of God's radical love for me? No. And no. I don't truly believe those things, I want to desperately. But most days I don't.... 

I think in large that is due to the fact that the gospel is so incredibly radical. You know the story, I don't have to tell you but think about it. I mean really think about it.God loves me (I am filthy with sin.). Jesus dies but He dies because He is perfect in order to exchange my filth for His righteousness. That does not make sense! What! ......... That is radical. Crazy. Incredible. 

The "awe" of that craziness, incredibleness, radicalness, is where I want to live. That is why I have been discontent. Knowing the Truth and yet not being compelled in any way by it's freedom. By it's insane love. By it's passion. When I really look at the cross and what it means for my life, what it does for me (sin for righteousness) I can't help but see how crazy in love God is with His people. I think that is why C.J Mahney said that we are to preach the Gospel to ourselves daily.

So maybe this summer hasn't been as uneventful as it appears after all. . .

procrastination

it is so like me to be a slacker. even with things i love or want to love. there comes a time when i slack off. i am blaming this mostly on the fact that i am a procrastinator to the extreme. take for instance this moment right now, i am writing on this nifty little blog of mine as a way to keep me from studying for neuroscience - what is it about that word that just really sucks? (apologies if you are incredibly passionate about that field of science although i find it hard to comprehend why you would be but that is probably because i find it hard to comprehend neuroscience. that however is an entirely different blog that may or may not pop up as the semester drags on).

so here i am with my neuro book open, hidden under my computer but open nonetheless, struggling to find motivation to continue reading about the workings of the brain. what better way to put off studying than telling you what i have come to find really annoying this semester (besides neuro). the following is a list of items that really drive me crazy:

• the kid in class that nods at everything the teachers says - literally a nod after every statement. it's just not necessary. even if you do agree with the fact that Pavlov's dogs salivated during the experiment it's ok to not nod. we get it you understand the material. i give you permission to let your neck rest awhile.
• the person who raises their hand in class and states, "i have a question" before they ask their question. this too is not necessary. we saw you raise your hand and your eyebrows move closer together at the confusion of the topic, no need to clarify that you are indeed confused and would like to ask a question.
• leaving the tv on when no one is watching it. this one really gets me. i just don't understand why you would not turn it off. if you plan on retiring to your room for a while and your intentions are not to come back, sit down and finish your time on the couch then why leave it on?
• the teacher who says um, like, and so yeah before each powerpoint slide. i'm going to start a tally on monday, i'll report back the number - you will be shocked.
• the conversation that goes like this:

me: "hey, how are you?"

person: "good! how are you?"

me: "good (with a bit of a smile. then we part ways)."

let's be real, these are pointless interactions and yet i always seem to have them in passing as i'm walking to class and run into someone i know but don't really talk to that often however it would be rude to not greet them in some way. don't get me wrong i am a social person, i love people, i do, this conversation just bothers me - probably because i initiate it - but i seem to have one of these at least once a day.

• i will end with this, which may not apply to many people but i will vent to those of you who can appreciate this complaint. buying a sorority shirt - that is mandatory - but not exactly what you pictured when you heard it was "really cute". i hate this mainly because i feel an obligation to wear the shirt for two reasons. 1. i do love my sorority and 2. i support those who designed the shirt but let it be known i would never wear an orange and blue brightly colored "back to school" shirt apart from the mandatory criteria (note: the word mandatory is among my list of dislikes.)

ah. the time has come for this procrastination to end. sad day. however i hope to keep you updated more on the hum drum day to day of this college girl soon. "until then, stay golden" (name that movie!)

by grace,

aut.

You make beautiful things out of the dust

it has been far too long.

sometimes life gets a little crazy and that is has been. since i've been back in school and getting into the swing of things, i've been thinking a lot about what this summer meant for me. how did God use it to grow me closer to Him? what did i really learn? i feel really different but sort of the same but clearly different, how does that even make sense? well here are a few conclusions i have made:

God makes beautiful things out of the dust. before i left for the summer, sin had crept into my heart and was smothering me. God in all His power and glory allowed me to turn from Him and to this world. He saw what i did not at the time. He saw my heart being broken apart in order for Him to place it back together through a challenging summer.

what did i really learn? oh boy. i honestly thought i had it figured out before. God was this big God but yet He loved me. yeah yeah. right? yes but i did not truly, whole heartedly believe that revolutionary truth. this summer God opened my eyes to my heart's half belief. i said i believed this but if i really did then my life would look very different! i had to face it, the God i proclaimed to know was not the same God who loves me.

sweet grace filled my heart this summer and gave me freedom to rebuild the foundation of my faith.

i also learned a little about myself. this has been more post summer in the Forge. i am impatient. i hate waiting for things to come together. i was telling someone the other day it's like when i start a new book. if it's really good, if i'm really enjoying the book, often times - and by often i mean pretty much every single time - i will go to the last page and read it. i know i know. it ruins it but does it really? i find a certain peace about knowing what will happen. i find comfort in knowing what is to come. this little impatience of mine when it comes to books overflows into my real life. i convince myself that it would be better if i could just know what will happen at the end of this chapter in my life. i convince myself that i need to be better prepared and if i am to prepare properly i will need to know what the future holds. however. God does not work this way. He does not give us the blue prints of our life and say "here ya go! have fun." although there are times when i wish it worked that way there are far more times that i am thankful that God does not. He whispers sweetly to me to trust Him in spite of not knowing. in fact i think He whispers to trust Him because i don't know what will happen but He does. maybe it isn't about the end. maybe it really is about all the stuff in between. essentially i know where i will end, in Heaven enjoying every second of who God is. so then. i guess the only thing left is to enjoy the journey.

Dollywood

As you know, best friend - liz (i'm addressing you in this blog because let's be honest for a minute you are the only person who reads my blog as of right now i'm ok with it and you should be too since you are getting special attention right now, this may not happen when my blog BLOWS up and the whole world is hanging on one word at a time! until then......) as you know miss liz ellen, i am in Dollywood. and what an adventure this is. it's unlike any place i have ever been too. there are people who come from all places to venture into this weird world of amusement. i like here alright. i am learning a lot. i think that a lot of times i based my idea of who God is off of what i heard other people say but in our study it says that "the truest thing about God is what He says about Himself" well duh i thought to myself as i read that but then i was like.... well what does He say about Himself?? i didn't really know. for instance sovereignty have i really believed that God is sovereign and if i do what does that mean and look like in my life? i began asking myself these questions and i started to realize - probably because God was bringing it to light - that i claimed to believe a lot but my actions suggest otherwise. of course God is revealing this to me in such a sweet gentlmen like way. His control and power and LOVE for me is much more than anything i can imagine.

with all that in mind this past week i have been feeling a lot of relief. relief from the expectations i put on myself to be the "good" chrisitan (what does that even mean??) or to give God a good reputation. when really God doesn't need me. His unconditional love for His people flows from a place without needs, without expectations, this is what allows Him to love me when i screw up and when i praise Him. He doesn't need my praise, though i'm sure it brings Him joy, He is complete without me and i am free to just seek Him without expectations. ah. sweet relief. my only goal in life is to get to know Him better.

so i encourage you to shed the expectations you have placed on yourself in order to really seek God and who He is. spend time with Him, get to know who He says He is.

cause you're the only ten i see

i'm shipping out to tennessee for the summer for discipleship focus. holla! i'm so excited to see what does God shows me through the people and experiences i am going to gain. i am also slightly nervous about living in tennessee - pigeon forge to be exact! - for the next 10 weeks. but every time i start to get nervous i feel like God is just whispering in my ear "my thoughts are not your thoughts" and i know he is about to deliver one of the most amazing learning experiences ever. ah! and the best part is three of my closest friends are going on this little adventure with me too! i mean, God is good. all the time.

next i would like to take a little break about my summer adventure and vent about facebook for a hot second. i hate that it sucks the time right out of the spare moments i choose to embark of that little harmless website. it's like i want to get on for .5 seconds and then BAM! and hour later i am logging off. ugh. i need to use self control a little more perhaps but i'm just baffled that it's like a black hole where time doesn't exist. ok that's all for me. until we meet again....

summer rain

there is just something about a rainy day that makes you lazy... please tell me you can relate?? it's as if i want to run, really i do, but then i look outside and it's wet, cloudy, blah. who wants to run in that mess? no one. but then again do i ever really want to run? or do i just say that i do in hopes that one day reverse psychology will actually work on myself? hm... probably the latter of the two.

i am also blaming the rain for my lack of productivity today. (besides catching up on lost - which is kind of a big deal). however i think i will continue to do nothing because sometimes that's what you just need to do!