You make beautiful things out of the dust

it has been far too long.

sometimes life gets a little crazy and that is has been. since i've been back in school and getting into the swing of things, i've been thinking a lot about what this summer meant for me. how did God use it to grow me closer to Him? what did i really learn? i feel really different but sort of the same but clearly different, how does that even make sense? well here are a few conclusions i have made:

God makes beautiful things out of the dust. before i left for the summer, sin had crept into my heart and was smothering me. God in all His power and glory allowed me to turn from Him and to this world. He saw what i did not at the time. He saw my heart being broken apart in order for Him to place it back together through a challenging summer.

what did i really learn? oh boy. i honestly thought i had it figured out before. God was this big God but yet He loved me. yeah yeah. right? yes but i did not truly, whole heartedly believe that revolutionary truth. this summer God opened my eyes to my heart's half belief. i said i believed this but if i really did then my life would look very different! i had to face it, the God i proclaimed to know was not the same God who loves me.

sweet grace filled my heart this summer and gave me freedom to rebuild the foundation of my faith.

i also learned a little about myself. this has been more post summer in the Forge. i am impatient. i hate waiting for things to come together. i was telling someone the other day it's like when i start a new book. if it's really good, if i'm really enjoying the book, often times - and by often i mean pretty much every single time - i will go to the last page and read it. i know i know. it ruins it but does it really? i find a certain peace about knowing what will happen. i find comfort in knowing what is to come. this little impatience of mine when it comes to books overflows into my real life. i convince myself that it would be better if i could just know what will happen at the end of this chapter in my life. i convince myself that i need to be better prepared and if i am to prepare properly i will need to know what the future holds. however. God does not work this way. He does not give us the blue prints of our life and say "here ya go! have fun." although there are times when i wish it worked that way there are far more times that i am thankful that God does not. He whispers sweetly to me to trust Him in spite of not knowing. in fact i think He whispers to trust Him because i don't know what will happen but He does. maybe it isn't about the end. maybe it really is about all the stuff in between. essentially i know where i will end, in Heaven enjoying every second of who God is. so then. i guess the only thing left is to enjoy the journey.

Dollywood

As you know, best friend - liz (i'm addressing you in this blog because let's be honest for a minute you are the only person who reads my blog as of right now i'm ok with it and you should be too since you are getting special attention right now, this may not happen when my blog BLOWS up and the whole world is hanging on one word at a time! until then......) as you know miss liz ellen, i am in Dollywood. and what an adventure this is. it's unlike any place i have ever been too. there are people who come from all places to venture into this weird world of amusement. i like here alright. i am learning a lot. i think that a lot of times i based my idea of who God is off of what i heard other people say but in our study it says that "the truest thing about God is what He says about Himself" well duh i thought to myself as i read that but then i was like.... well what does He say about Himself?? i didn't really know. for instance sovereignty have i really believed that God is sovereign and if i do what does that mean and look like in my life? i began asking myself these questions and i started to realize - probably because God was bringing it to light - that i claimed to believe a lot but my actions suggest otherwise. of course God is revealing this to me in such a sweet gentlmen like way. His control and power and LOVE for me is much more than anything i can imagine.

with all that in mind this past week i have been feeling a lot of relief. relief from the expectations i put on myself to be the "good" chrisitan (what does that even mean??) or to give God a good reputation. when really God doesn't need me. His unconditional love for His people flows from a place without needs, without expectations, this is what allows Him to love me when i screw up and when i praise Him. He doesn't need my praise, though i'm sure it brings Him joy, He is complete without me and i am free to just seek Him without expectations. ah. sweet relief. my only goal in life is to get to know Him better.

so i encourage you to shed the expectations you have placed on yourself in order to really seek God and who He is. spend time with Him, get to know who He says He is.

cause you're the only ten i see

i'm shipping out to tennessee for the summer for discipleship focus. holla! i'm so excited to see what does God shows me through the people and experiences i am going to gain. i am also slightly nervous about living in tennessee - pigeon forge to be exact! - for the next 10 weeks. but every time i start to get nervous i feel like God is just whispering in my ear "my thoughts are not your thoughts" and i know he is about to deliver one of the most amazing learning experiences ever. ah! and the best part is three of my closest friends are going on this little adventure with me too! i mean, God is good. all the time.

next i would like to take a little break about my summer adventure and vent about facebook for a hot second. i hate that it sucks the time right out of the spare moments i choose to embark of that little harmless website. it's like i want to get on for .5 seconds and then BAM! and hour later i am logging off. ugh. i need to use self control a little more perhaps but i'm just baffled that it's like a black hole where time doesn't exist. ok that's all for me. until we meet again....

summer rain

there is just something about a rainy day that makes you lazy... please tell me you can relate?? it's as if i want to run, really i do, but then i look outside and it's wet, cloudy, blah. who wants to run in that mess? no one. but then again do i ever really want to run? or do i just say that i do in hopes that one day reverse psychology will actually work on myself? hm... probably the latter of the two.

i am also blaming the rain for my lack of productivity today. (besides catching up on lost - which is kind of a big deal). however i think i will continue to do nothing because sometimes that's what you just need to do!

the mundane life of a crazy girl...

i've been spending some time in south carolina recently, more specifically in greenville. i love this little place not just because of my dear friend who is currently occupying the town but also because of the ease and comfort that i have begun to associate with this place. it's like my second home, even if liz NEVER has food in her cabinets! but also because something interesting always happens while i'm here. for instance. liz's dog mack was not feeling up to par when i arrived. by the end of the night he wasn't using either of his back legs AND he had diarrhea. so in the morning he went to the vet. well what did the vet say.... before i tell you, you have to understand that we were really scared for mack. he was acting so strange, only walking on two legs! ignoring everyone, just lying there.... ok so the vet. what did the vet say?? an extreme case of. . . . just diarrhea!? mack just had diarrhea. and apparently mack can't use his back legs while this happens... what?? really. but. that's just weird. but honestly that is what the vet said. now you may not think it's weird but come on. really. it's strange.

we have also ventured into the world of laziness while in greenville. laying around, eating the food liz doesn't have, and watching movies. more specifically we watched "it's complicated". what a perfect title for that movie. and what a perfect phrase. it's complicated. so many things are complicated in this life. i'm not going to even dive into that mess because it could last forever. however because of that fact, "life is the messy bits", i know this: life will always be a little crazy, a little mundane at times, even a little complicated when it should be simple. but it will always be nice to take a little break, visit an old friend, enjoy a glass of wine, and get "messy" with my best of friends. and live a life that is full of JOY because of a sovereign God.

Psalm 4:7-8

"You have put more joy in my heart than they have have when their grain and wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

it has begun

i have recently decided, with a little push from liz neels - my best friend and wonderful sidekick, to dive into the world of blogging. i don't really know what it will look like or who will listen to the nonsense that fills my mind but i like the idea of it. whenever i stumble upon a good blog, i can't help but appreciate the witty, clever writting. so my hopes are that my posts find you at a witty, content place. or maybe just make you laugh at my ridiculous yet sassy take on life. and if not... welp. there's not much i can do for you.